dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
