i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
