I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
