I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
