woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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