I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
