i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
