Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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