It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
