I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
