he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
