Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
