I just cut my nipple shaving
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
