Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
