Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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