I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
