Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
my liver is dry heaving
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
