oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
