the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
