Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
