dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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