why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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