I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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