Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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