I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
