Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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