guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
