My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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