There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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