I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
