i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
