i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize