I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
