Don't make out with my wife yet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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