Screwed.edu
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
