I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
