i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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