I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
