Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
