weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
