The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
the night ended with taco bell and tears
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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