Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Are my feet made of real feet?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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