Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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