Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
