who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize