You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
