I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize