I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
