It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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