sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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