when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
