Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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