Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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