Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
