too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
