Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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