It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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